Scandal Sheets
by Clar the Pirate
Summary: Dotty Dauphin Dashes After Damsel! The media fall-out of one prince's mad man-hunt for his mysterious midnight maiden. And now a further fairy tale finds fresh refurbished in frantic frippery.
1. Cinderella

DOTTY DAUPHIN DASHES AFTER DAMSEL!

SHOCK! HORROR! CITIZENS OUTRAGED

PESSIMISTIC PARENTS PREPARE FOR PAUPER!

IS HE MAD? CRITICS ASK

100 MAIDENS PRESENTED – THE SEARCH CONTINUES!

"IT WAS ME!" OR WAS IT? FAKE FINACEE SCANDAL REVEALED

HOPLESS HUNK HEADS HOME HEAVY-HEARTED

"I MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE BUT SHE DISAPPEARED AT MIDNIGHT!" – THE INSIDE STORY

* * *

**Dernier Cri of the Country Me**

His Highness was seen earlier today in royal blue velvet with a veritable foam of white Chantilly lace at the cuffs and neck, his boots once again sporting the gold braided tassels that have become the number one must-have this season.

Speaking of what's hot, our new favourites are these plain muslin aprons printed with 'Here I am! Take me!' available from your nearest haberdashery. A sure-fire way to get some princely attention.

But Uh-oh! Seems like the young royal is in some trouble. Insiders close to the Queen say she is furious at her son for dragging out the search into its fourth week. "She still loves him but every day the arguing gets worse. She begs him to stay home, to find some nice noble girl to settle down with, and he keeps refusing. It's breaking her heart," says gal-pal, Raquel Green. With all this fuss, it's no wonder the mystery girl continues to allude discovery. Much as we love our prince – can you say 'headache'!

* * *

**Editorial**

Of course, we all know about the recent scandalous behaviour of our crown prince and it raises the question: Are we ready for a republic? Obviously, the royals have lost the plot; they are wasting the taxpayers' time and hard-earned money on a wild goose chase, and I am not the only concerned citizen asking: Is this an indicator of what is to come? Is this what we are to expect from the future king and his sons, so on and so forth? Madness, lunacy, and blatant disregard for the needs of his subjects. Is the monarchy in mental decline?

Enough is enough! Rally to me all you who believe in a free society where leaders are chosen not by some accident of birth but by the people whom they shall serve. To me all you who believe in liberty, equality and fraternity. Let it be known that all men were created equal and to have one so firmly under a woman's thumb ruling over us is an offence against our unalienable rights! Opium is the opium of the masses and obviously our prince has been indulging in some. We are desirous to establish a settled form of Civil Government with a view to avert the evil consequences which must result from the absence of our crown prince's wits. To me, all you free peoples! Off with their heads, I say. I say again, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

* * *

**Citizens Speak Out**

_"I say good luck to him. It's nice to see their majesties are human for once"_ – Florence Mould (32)

_"__I have five__ daughters; you couldn't point him in my direction, could you?" _– Marjorie Bennit (41)

_"What's he doing checking out our good honest girls? Hasn't he enough baronesses and duchesses to keep him happy? I'm telling you it was hard enough to meet a lass when they weren't keeping themselves free in case the prince should call." _– Benjamin Lee (26)

_"In my day we would have had none of this gadding about with glass slippers on poufy cushions. A man would point to a woman, they would get engaged and she would like it. And they would walk sixteen miles barefoot through snow and ice to reach their wedding__ and then chop__ the firewood to heat the chapel with their teeth." _– Gimpy Joe (94)

* * *

**The People's Poll**

Do you think the prince is:

1. Romantic  
2. Desperate  
3. Crazed  
4. Star-crossed  
5. Moon-struck  
6. Tolerable, I suppose  
7. A changeling  
8. A lost cause  
9. A sapphire short of the crown jewels  
10. Other, please specify

To take part in our poll, simply yell loudly and someone will hear you.

* * *

_Something fun before I embark on the final chapter of _Sweet Rose and Wilde_ and lose you all in the embroiling mists of the Sea of Perplexity. _

_(This free advertisement has been brought to you by The Pie in the Sky: the last word in aerial pastries. For our full product guide see page 34.)  
_


	2. Snow White

HYPOTHERMIA AT CHILDBIRTH – THE NATION MOURNS OUR LATE QUEEN

MOURNING MONARCH MARRIES AGAIN!

"SHE'S A BEAUTY!" – ROYAL WEDDING EXCLUSIVE

WHERE'D HE GO? KING'S ABSENSE CONCERNS COUNTRY

FAIR FACE, FOUL PLOTS! THE QUEEN'S MAID SPEAKS OUT

PINT-SIZED PRINCESS PRESUMED KAPUT!

CHAOS IN THE CAPITAL!

DEVILISH DEVISE CONDEMNS DENTIST FOR DISLOYALTY!

1984 ARRESTED FOR TREASON – WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?

MAGIC MIRROR MISUNDERSTANDING – WE'RE GLAD THE QUEEN HAS FULL ACCESS TO OUR LIVES!

* * *

**Letters to the Editor**

Dear Editor

Last night my wife and I had a bit of a to-do over the way our beauteous monarch is handling the country which could have been construed by any third-party that might have been listening as, well, some might say highly treasonous. Just to clarify, when I said "This country has gone to the dogs" it may not have been obvious that dogs are my favourite animal and I think they are highly intelligent, loyal creatures, and any country would be lucky to have them as their rulers. Also, I was suddenly and mysteriously struck mute as I said "we'd be better off without her" (it's a terrible affliction, been with me all my life) because what I meant to say was 'better off without her _condemners_ who are trying to get rid of the best thing that ever happened to our fair land, shame on them'. And "done away with the wee princess and dumped her body in some abandoned alley" is a delightful yet obscure saying from my wife's home country, and boy has it caught out a few in its time let me tell you, that in fact means 'given the princess ice cream and lollies', just so as, you know, people know.

My wife and I, we love the queen, we really do. So much that next Saturday we're holding a Viva Regina! barbeque and potluck dessert and everyone's invited. So if you love our queen as much as us you had better be there or be thrown into a dank dungeon for the rest of your life – a tough stance on trouble-makers we completely support, by the way!

Yours untreasonously,

Ed Cromwell

* * *

**Is Your Daughter the Next Little Miss ABOMNQO?**

It's that time of year again! The date for the annual Little Miss Almost as Beautiful as Our Monarch but Not Quite, Obviously Pageant has been set, now all that's needed is you!

Is your daughter fair of face with a small mole that mars her otherwise faultless features? Or the possessor of a quirky crooked smile making her 'captivating' rather than 'beautiful'? Does she have a dusky complexion and smoky eyes that, while pretty in their own way, can't compare to the pale perfection of our Queen? Then head on down to Mrs Mowatt's Muslins and pick up your entry form.

The winner as always will be sent on a three week survival course in the deep forest, courtesy of the Queen and Outward Bound Adventure Camps, but this year for the first time ever, the runners-up will also receive a prize. A one week conscription to the Queen's private staff with the possibility of further employment! What more could a mother living vicariously through her daughter's successes wish for?

Entries close September 8th.

* * *

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* * *

**The People's Poll**

Do you think our queen is:

1. The best!

2. Beats the rest!

3. Fair

4. Generous to a fault

5. Brilliant

6. Beautiful

7. A dab hand at state-craft

8. So hot right now

9. Wonderful Councillor, Almighty, Everlasting, Purveyor of Peace

10. All of the above

To take part in our poll, simply whisper quietly in the privacy of your own home and you shall be heard.

* * *

_I need to tell you. The advertisement is based on one for J. Ballentynes & Co. from the 1800s about quilts. "Down Quilts! Down Quilts! Down Quilts! Perfect Health and Elegance. BLANKETS! BLANKETS! BLANKETS!__" In some ways, it's sad that we no longer find blankets so exciting._


End file.
